Healing some of my deepest wounds

Identifying a strong inner mother helped me heal from the inside out

Hello! This week we’re talking about an inner mother practice.

In recovery, I intentionally built an attachment with a part of myself who provides unconditional and absolute emotional nourishment and care. I call this part my inner mother.

Before recovery, I had what felt like a gaping hole of unmet emotional needs. When I was young, I learned to cover my gaping hole with a tarp made of perfectionism and eating disorder behaviors.

These behaviors allowed me to look pretty OK to others and even myself. Of course there was a lot of weight stigma involved in my eating disorder—I was driven to hide my body and make it as small as possible. But my body image issues were rooted in a rich soil of shame and a longing to be loved with all my big, messy emotional needs.

My eating disorder worked tirelessly to hide my emotional needs because I believed they made me unlovable. 

In recovery, I peeked under the tarp and began exploring my gaping hole of need. And slowly I began to fill it with new experiences of having my emotional needs met—no tarp required.😂

I was lucky to have a very patient therapist who helped me gradually feel secure with her. It took time, but finally I felt safe enough to reveal tiny glimpses of my gaping hole. When she didn’t run away in horror and normalized my need for emotional nourishment and care, I stepped into recovery and started healing from the inside out. 

I felt safe in her office, but I knew that recovery would mean feeling safe elsewhere, too.

With effort and intention, I built an attachment with an inner mother, a part of myself who is capable of endless love and compassion. She feeds, comforts, and cares for me on demand, without complaint.

Over and over, when the gaping hole screamed and all I wanted was to throw a tarp over the top of it and go back to imagining that everything was FINE with my eating disorder, I reached for my inner mother. 

I often wanted to abandon recovery, not because I didn’t believe it was a good idea, but because the gaping hole felt so enormous and overwhelming. But my inner mother made it safe for me to witness my gaping hole.

As I gained confidence with my therapist and inner mother, I expanded my practice and reached out to other people in my life. When I stopped hiding my emotional needs and started reaching out for support from others, a whole new world opened up to me.

notesfromyourtherapist

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Here’s how I built an attachment with my inner mother:

1. Defining: I define my inner mother as a part of myself who provides unconditional love and acceptance. She’s strong, not afraid of my gaping hole, and totally OK with my emotional needs.

2. Reinforcing: I practice Lovingkindess meditation, defined as sending unconditional love and kindness to ourselves and others, regardless of whether we/they “deserve” it. This reinforces the safety and security my inner mother offers.

3. Expanding: With the strength of my inner mother practice, I began to gradually expose my emotional needs to other people. And this is when my life truly changed, because all of us long to be seen, heard, and understood by another person. It’s absolutely amazing.

My inner mother is always there for me, but I need her less frequently today because I’m not hiding my emotional needs anymore. There are no big, dark secrets or gaping holes of unmet needs. The more I share my true self and get my emotional needs met in my relationships, the more manageable my emotions become.

🤔 What about you?

Do you have an inner mother? Is she kind and compassionate? Would you like to build a practice of connecting with a kind and compassionate inner mother?

If you’re a paid subscriber, I’ve got a printable worksheet for you that will help.