Hello! This week we’re talking about self-love.
As long as I had an eating disorder, I thought the only way to be free of it was to fight hard enough. This is a common idea: that “ED” can be externalized and seen as an enemy to be vanquished. This approach is widely used for several diseases, most notably cancer, but it is less common today than it was 20 years ago due a growing awareness of “toxic positivity” and some of the unfortunate side effects of battling with our bodies in an effort to gain health.
“Cancer is a battle, and patients have to fight in order to increase their chances of a good outcome. It’s a common message used in the media, the premise being that a person’s cancer can be eradicated if they are tough enough. But does this put the burden of healing on patients by turning them into winners and losers?” —Cancer Mythbusters podcast
Of course, we are all beautifully unique individuals, and I know the “fight” approach has helped many people with both cancer and eating disorders. I’m not here to judge the approach, just to say why it didn’t work for me, and what was more helpful.
I tried out the idea of fighting my eating disorder on and off for decades, but it didn’t work. I’d spent most of my life fighting my body and hating myself, and didn’t need another part of me to hate.
Then, one day I had an epiphany. My eating disorder, far from being a demon, had been trying to be my best friend.
Diet culture taught me that my body must be controlled and dominated. Anti-fat bias taught me that I must stay as thin as possible to be worthy of respect and dignity. My eating disorder was just trying its best to keep me safe within those messed up paradigms.
In this way, I realized that I didn’t have to hate my eating disorder to make it go away. Instead, I thanked it for being there, but assured it that I no longer needed its services.
While I could respect what my eating disorder was trying to do for me, I didn’t want to use its voice as a guide anymore. My eating disorder behaviors could no longer be framed as loving, and they didn’t fit my value system.
The more I learned about diet culture and anti-fat bias, the less I wanted any part of it. It meant well, but my eating disorder wasn’t making me safer, more loved, or happier, so it was time to say goodbye.
Here’s how I approached this in my recovery:
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